My Encounters as a 14 Year Old Loser

I like to write. Never said I was good at it, though. So bare with me as we journey through the fucked up world that is my mind.

On April 15, 1997, I was born. My name is Haley Joanis, and to this date I am 14 years old. I’m nothing like you. And I’m nothing like your friends. I’m different. And I’m proud to have turned out as well as I have, especially since I have gone through loads of shit. Now I know what you’re thinking. “This girl is gonna tell us all about how she cuts herself and how her dog died and now she’s super traumatized..yada yada yada.” NO. I don’t want your sympathy, but for those of you who wonder why I am the way I am, this is for you.

My father and mother love me very much, and always have. But shit happens. People change, and eventually people grow apart. Like I said, my parents loved me more than anything in the world, but they did not love each other as time went by. My mother had the men all over her. She was stunning. And this bothered my father a lot. One day she even got flowers from a man. They were beautiful. And even though I was young, I remember every little detail. Yellow vase, big red poinsettias, and a pink ribbon. My father did not take a liking to this, so he tossed it at my mother’s head. My father was not quite right in his head, you see, he was a dangerously bad alcoholic, and also a severe diabetic. The amount of alcohol that he would intake in one day was over triple the amount of what an adult should have been consuming in 2 weeks. The constant drinking was’nt good for his diabetes. He would pass out. All the time. I guess you could say my father was a mean drunk. And my mother did’nt quite fancy that at all. She divorced my father when I was three years old. Soon after that, my mother found a new boyfriend.

My father found a new woman as well. He rushed. He married her. And I now had two new brothers stepping in to the picture. Kelly was nice. She seemed like a sweet, caring, average lady. But it wasnt long until the alcoholism stepped into place and I realized she was just like my daddy. Kelly had been an alcoholic since she was 15 years old. The would fight everynight, and we would hide, and wait for the quiet, and rise in the morning to the same sweet calm lady we only saw at 6 am. These fights set my dad off, and he divorced Kelly about a year after they got married.

My father did’nt lose hope. He knew someone was out there for him, so he kept looking and surely enough, he married again, and once more. Eventually he found his way back to Kelly. They married again and moved in together. This is when it got rough.

My step mom and daddy were always drunk.One night my rooom was a bit messy, Kelly held me down, spit on my and burned my neck and chest with her cigarette. She got up, laughed, and hugged me. She said “Don’t tell your mother.” as she giggled on. Talk about psycho. They would fight everynight. I’d clean blood off the floors because my brothers wouldnt touch it. My step mom and dad would roll on top of eachother with broken bottles and knives. There were cops almost every other week.

I delt with my father fainting at the wheel. And falling out of his car on the freeway with me in it. By the time I was 9 years old, my grandmother showed me how to drive in case he would faint again, which he did. MANY TIMES.

When I was 8, my god father committed suicide. He was my father’s bestfriend. My father had found him dead, in his office. He had been lying there for two days. My father could not cope and began using drugs on a daily basis. We were lucky to know where he was half of the time. He eventually got help and stopped using drugs. His alcoholism continued though.

I was forced to grow up really fast.

My step father is also an alcoholic. One night, about three years ago, I was really sick, so I slept in my mum’s bed so I could be closer to the bathroom. My step father came home, layed next to me, began undressing me and rubbing my legs. I immediately got up and ran. I was fine. He was drunk and I was in my mother’s side of the bed, so I’m sure you can imagine what he was thinking. He is not a molestor. I got over it.

Two years ago, however, I began to notice that my bestfriend’s step dad had a liking to me. When I would sleep over her house, he would lay next to the bed and run his fingers through my hair while I fell asleep. As I grew older, this got more serious. He would kiss my neck, rub my shoulders,back, neck, legs. I was scared. But too scared to speak up.That year, at my friends birthday party, he waited until everyone was asleep. He picked me up out of the couch. and brought me outside and molested me. I still have not spoken upp to this day, but I no longer go around him.

Last year, in September, I was with my friends, and they insisted it would be cool of me to sleep with one of my older friends chris. Chris was 19 years old. And I was only 13. I began having sex with him, and decided it hurt, and I was not having fun,. I said I didnt want to continue, but he pushed down on my shoulders and kept going until he could finish. He was arrested 4 months later, and is now a registered sex offendor.

About a month after this, my mother told her therapist about what had happened with my stepfather a few years ago, because it still bothered her. That day, when I got home from school, I was surrounded by police, and dcf workers took me away. I was not allowed to see my mother of step dad for two months. I lived with my father and stepmom (who at this point were both over a year sober and weekly attending AA meetings) for two months. DCF and police were in and out of my house almost everynight. I had no privacy. I was so sick of all the interviews and questions. But eventually they proved my stepfather was innocent and I was allowed back home with my mother and step dad.

I have been home and without serious issues for over 9 months.

About 2 months ago, my friends step dad (the man who molested me) was arrested and chartged for raping his two daughters who were only 6 and 7 years old. I was so glad to see him behind bars, however, he was realesed on bail. And he began texting me shortly after he was released, I told my friend, and she was so disgusted, she never spoke to him again.

To this day I am not quite right in my mind.